The Last Proposal
by Cas-stole-my-pen
Summary: Sam coping after Jessicas funeral. this fic was inspired by the cover image. I do not know the original poster. Credit to them. The writing is mine.


Jess was gone. That was it. Sam was standing in front of her tombstone. Even standing there seeing her grave he almost couldn't believe it. It felt like yesterday he was with her, just a normal guy going to school, happy, in love, living his life. He thought of Jess all alone in the ground. Was she still there? Was she in heaven? Hell? Sam wasn't even sure if heaven existed. Of course there wasn't really anything in the coffin. It was symbolic. She was a pile of ash that had been washed away. They couldn't save her. The fire burned so hot they couldn't even save her body after the fire was out.

His hair hung in his face oily and tangled, no thought for how he looked. He was always tall and skinny, kind of awkward but now his clothes hung off him like he was nothing but bones.

Sam walked around in a fog. He didn't really see or feel anything. He ate when Dean made him. No snarky comments about the crap Dean ate. No real care for what he himself ate. He ate mechanically not tasting it just choking a few bites down before walking away from the table without a word.

When they went on a hunt Sam was reckless. He threw himself in harm's way, not to protect Dean but to kill whatever monster they were after. His whole focus, what little he had was on killing the monsters and protecting others from losing those they loved. He needed something good to come out of his pain and loss. Dean worked double time to protect Sam. He was terrified his brother had a death wish. He always took the more dangerous jobs. Now he tried to give Sam as little to do with each kill as possible. He put Sam in charge of saving the victims. At least that way Sam would be more focused on saving than killing or dying. If Sam died on a hunt now Dean was sure he would lose his mind.

Beyond that he lived in his own head. Thoughts consumed by Jess and the demon who took her from him. At night he saw her burn over and over. Each time he awoke thrashing and screaming. As soon as he was awake his eyes went dull again like he hit a switch on the pain. Really the pain was just too much for him to express. He would curl up in a ball and wait for morning to come. During the day, when they weren't actively working on a case, he sat and stared off into space. Sam simply waited for his body to be too tired to continue and force sleep on him. This cycle repeated every day.

When Sam would wake up from these nightmares Dean would already be awake. He worried more and more each time they happened. Sam was going to lose it soon if they didn't stop. Dean had no idea what to do to help him. The first few times it happened Dean would move from his bed to Sam's to try and hold him like he used to when Sam was a kid. At first Sam let him. He would curl up against Dean and Dean would run a hand through Sam's sweat damp bed hair. Safe in his brother's arms he cried until the tears wouldn't flow anymore. They never talked about it.

Each time the tears slowed a few moments sooner. It was like Sam was shutting down. After a while Sam refused Deans touch. Instead of turning to his brother he turned away and curled into himself. Eventually the tears stopped altogether. Sam would just roll over and stare at the wall.

Sometimes Sam just wandered away. Dean would go crazy looking for him. His mind would chant 'Sam's dead. You failed. You really are good for nothing.'When it got really bad he would hear his dad tell him he failed the family and he was a disgrace, a worthless person and hunter. He would retrace their steps to anywhere that hunt had taken them and even places it hadn't. If there was even a shred of a connection to the case he looked there. He couldn't survive if he didn't check and Sam was there and needed him. The longer Dean spent looking the more he panicked. The knot in his stomach wound itself tighter by the second. That voice in the back of his head would be screaming at him by now. Some days Dean would get so upset at Sam's disappearances his legs would buckle and he would fall to the ground. Other days he would heave and empty whatever was in his stomach.

Eventually Dean figured out that if they were near Jess' grave that was where he would find Sam. It if was within a few hours' drive Sam was there. Some days there would be a stolen car nearby other days there wasn't. Today was no exception.

As soon as Dean saw his brother's lanky frame he relaxed, all the panic flowed out of him. He nearly fell to the grass in relief. For a moment he just stood and studied his brother, ecstatic to find him alive and relatively unharmed. Then Dean slowly walked towards Sam. As he walked across the grass, Sam dropped to his knees and doubled over. Dean slowed down his pace. He noticed Sam's lips moving and he had something in his hand. It was a small box. Looked like one that would hold something expensive.

Dean guessed Sam was talking to Jess. Dean moved just close enough to hear but not disturb him. Sam began to rock back and forth a bit. Head down hair even more mussed. "I'm sorry...so sorry jess...this isn't right. You deserved better...better than me. You would've made an amazing lawyer..." he trailed off for a minute gathering himself. He swiped an arm across his face pushed his hair from his face and cleared his throat. His eyes focused in on the stone tracing his eyes over the letters in her name. "That's not why I'm here. I love you Jess. You will always be my heart. It hurts to be apart from you. I want to spend forever with you. We can build our own practice, help people. We'll be happy." He looked down to his hands. Dean heard the box snap open. Hands shaking, Sam removed the ring from its box, holding it like the most precious thing in the world. It was a simple white gold band with a small diamond. Dean could see the light glint off the stone. "Jessica, will you marry me?" Sam's said, voice shaking. Dean stood rooted to the spot mouth hanging open. The words hung in the air. No answer came. Sam's tears began to flow again. "I'm so sorry...so sorry..." Sam threw himself over her gravestone and sobbed. The words all flowed together into unintelligible sounds.

The sight jolted Dean to his core. Sammy needed him now more than ever. Dean ran the few feet to Sam's side. "Sam!" Dean grabbed Sam by the shoulders and pulled him upright. "Sam!" Dean used his stern voice trying to catch Sam's attention. "Sammy, look at me dammit!" Sam looked to Dean's face for just a second before collapsing again, this time into his brother's arms. Dean held his brother like their lives depended on it. He carded his hand through Sam's hair, whispered in his ear "It's okay Sammy. She knows...she knows. You're okay...I got you Sammy." Dean's heart broke for his brother. All his life his mission had been protect Sam. He did his best. He was damn proud of it too. This one time, he couldn't do anything. There was no way for him to take Sam's pain away.


End file.
